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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.